Would You Like To Have These Powers?
If you ask most men whether they would prefer to have superhuman strength or speed, they’ll likely launch into a three-hour monologue, carefully dissecting the merits of each. That’s because every man, regardless of his age or occupation, has secretly dreamed of being a legendary superhero. We’ve decided to pay some attention to this universal male fantasy by creating a-not-definitive list of the top superpowers every man wants.
Green Lantern’s Telepathy
Imagine being able to figure out what women really want. That’s just one of the skills Green Lantern possesses thanks to his extraordinary powers of telepathy (it’s also one of the reasons why he’s seldom single). Not only does this intriguing superpower allow the Emerald Crusader to read the thoughts of others, but it also lets him communicate with his fellow Lanterns and the Guardians of the Universe. Possible everyday uses: Discerning when your buddies are bluffing at poker and understanding precisely what your wife wants to hear.
Plastic Man’s Elasticity
Twisting yourself into a pretzel may not seem like a big deal these days when everyone and their dog does yoga exercises, but it was pretty revolutionary back in 1941, when Police Comics introduced Plastic Man. Seventy years later, this reformed safecracker continues to defeat villains with ease by stretching, expanding and contracting into any shape imaginable. Possible everyday uses: Watching television and not having to get up to get a beer.
The Invisible Man’s Invisibility
Many people complain of feeling invisible to others, but imagine if you actually were. That’s what happened to H.G. Wells’ brilliant scientist, Griffin, when he successfully changed his refractive index so he would no longer absorb reflex light. Sure, it eventually drove him crazy, but for a few glorious days he was able to burglarize homes, outrun authorities and conduct all of his affairs without fear of being seen. Possible everyday uses: Sneaking into movies and spying on your friends to find out exactly they think of you. Of course, if you’re the type to spy, you should probably brace for the worst.
Thor’s Superhuman Reflexes
If Thor ever asks you to play a game of bloody knuckles, you should definitely decline. That’s because this girly-haired Norse God has superhuman strength and superhuman reflexes that allow him to react instantaneously to any form of physical movement. Also, we hear he isn’t a good sport, so even if you win you’ll probably regret it in the long run. Possible everyday uses: Dominating games of beer pong and becoming the world’s greatest Whac-A-Mole player.
Professor X’s Memory Manipulation
At first glance, Professor X is easy to dismiss. After all, he’s bald, he’s confined to a wheelchair and he has a goofy English accent. But dig a little deeper, and you’ll discover that this chrome-domed mutant has the ability to erase the memories of rivals and, in some cases, even cause total amnesia. That kind of mental trickery makes him one of the most powerful men on the planet and a very valuable person to know if you want to forget about the time you made out with a 300-pound circus carnie. Possible everyday uses: Erasing your wife’s memory after you forget your anniversary, maybe even getting her to forget once or twice to even the score.
Wolverine’s Accelerated Healing
Imagine being able to heal rapidly from any injury or form of physical wear and tear. That’s just one of the many abilities possessed by Wolverine, whose superhuman resistance to damage allows him to take chances most mortal men (or at the very least those without insurance) would never dare dream of. Possible everyday uses: Using your favorite bacon recipe at every meal.
Leader’s Superhuman Intelligence
Have you ever wondered what the value of pi is to the one-millionth decimal place? Of course you haven’t, because you’re not a geek or loser. However, if you really did want to know, you could always ask Leader. This ballsy brainiac can perform thousands of calculations per second, predict probable outcomes and recall every detail of anything he’s ever read, heard or seen. In other words, he’s exactly the kind of person you would want on your team if you were playing a game of Trivial Pursuit. Possible everyday uses: Dominating pub quizzes, winning arguments and recalling where you left your car keys.
The Flash’s Superhuman Speed
People often complain that there’s never enough time in the day to accomplish everything on their to-do list, and by “people” we, of course, mean everyone other than The Flash. This smart-mouthed speed demon is never late for an ophthalmology appointment, conference call or red-hot date thanks to his enviable ability to move, think and react at superhuman speeds. Possible everyday uses: Surviving traffic, winning marathons and playing an epic tennis match against yourself.
The Hulk’s Superhuman Strength
Imagine being able to run through bricks walls, lift tractor trailers above your head and defeat nearly anyone in the universe. Those are just a few of the things the Hulk can do without even breaking a sweat. His supercool gift of superhuman strength also allows him to leap into the lower atmosphere and propel himself across entire continents, thereby saving him thousands on pricey airline tickets. Possible everyday uses: Opening extremely tight jars of pasta sauce, helping friends move and winning arm-wrestling competitions.
Superman’s Power of Flight
Look up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman, of course! Krypton’s favorite son has become synonymous with the power of flight over the years by saving thousands of hapless humans as they’ve plummeted from high-story buildings to Earth. Other superheroes have since taken to the friendly skies to ply their trade, but no one has ever looked cooler gliding through the clouds than the ageless Man of Steel. Possible everyday uses: Gliding over rush-hour traffic, getting a perfect tan on sunny days and scaring pigeons.