The Woossie Vampires
I don’t know what you think, but to me these are not real vampires. I imagine vampires as a dark gothic types, athletic, dangerous, you know, so scary to freeze your blood… These guys are just ridiculous! I mean, would you be afraid of Jim Carrey? Come on, man… We present you our selection of most pathetic vampires in the movies – if you have any suggestions, feel free to write – all comments are welcome!
One would think that, a thousand years into the future, vampires would be pretty badass. Right? Unfortunately, 2004′s stinker Dracula 3000 begs to differ. The flick’s principal vampire, the nefarious Count Orlock (as played by Langley Kirkwood) is found aboard a drifting cargo ship. His outfit is ridiculous enough to make you puke – high, pointy collars and turtlenecks don’t really go together, man – and his right hand vampire henchman is Coolio. Try harder, future.
Alex Winter as “Marko” in The Lost Boys (the same Alex Winter of Bill & Ted’s fame), in one of his vampiric hangers-on. Whoever did his wardrobe and makeup for this movie should be shot.The youngest of the vampires, he is the first one to go down to the staking of the Frog Brothers when they raid the vamps’ beachside cave.
The Little Vampire is a legendary stinker – when the biggest name in your flick is the kid from Jerry Maguire, you have a problem. Titular vampire Rudolph Sackville-Bagg, played by actor Rollo Weeks, is a ridiculous hybrid of Eddie Munster and a Chia pet; his goofy little bat wings don’t help matters. He’s a good vampire, of course, trying to be freed of his bloodsucking curse by his good friend Tommy Thompson. It’s an embarrassment to vampires the world over and one of the least scary vampires ever conceived.
Oftentimes, a really evil vampire will have a comic relief sidekick to balance out his malevolence a bit. These mooks really make me wonder how selective vampires are in who they decide to turn. Case in point: Amilyn, the fawning toady of the vampire lord Lothos in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. Played by Paul “Pee-Wee Herman” Reubens, Amilyn is so unscary that even Luke Perry can work him over.
The original Fright Night’s Evil Ed had some problems with his attitude, and being transformed into a vampire didn’t help him much. Unfortunately, even the inept anti-vampire tactics of Charley Brewster are enough to take him out of the picture, leaving our heroes free to tackle the real villain, neighbor Jerry Dandridge. Even though the flick ends with Ed being revealed as surviving his staking, he didn’t return in the sequel.
Okay, if you’re looking for a dude to cast as the lead vampire in your horror flick, don’t go with the dude who was in Stepbrothers. And yet, here we are with Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant, a 2009 bomb that cast John C. Reilly as “Larten Crepsley,” the undead leader of a traveling freakshow. This movie is a mess on so many levels that it’s almost unfair to single Crepsley out, but just look at that ridiculous bastard. Seriously.
The Underworld movies have their share of strong points (most notably Kate Beckinsale in tight clothing), but the villain of the first two films was a major boner. Kraven, the regent of the vampires, is a total tool who is engaged in a plan to take control of vampire society by killing all of the elder vampires while they sleep. Wow, what a badass.
You’d think that the combination of Eddie Murphy and Wes Craven would be at least competent, right? Vampire In Brooklyn begs to differ. The 1994 flop features Murphy with a majestic curly mullet and yellow cat eyes as Maximillian, who uses all of his immortal powers to try to seduce a NYPD detective as part of a ludicrous plan to achieve eternal life. Could this have been the point where Eddie Murphy started his slide into bad movie hell? It’s possible!
1985′s Once Bitten is an embarrassment in the monster comedy field, a ridiculously unfunny Teen Wolf knock-off that stars Jim Carrey as Mark Kendall, an ordinary young dude who gets fanged by a MILFY Countess. But for some reason you need to get bitten three times to be turned in this universe, so he spends the majority of the film as a weirdly mincing quasi-Dracula, eating raw hamburger and hating the sun.
When your last line of defense against the hordes of the undead is Adam West, you know you have a problem. Luckily, the bloodsuckers in American Vampire are about on the chubby ex-Batman’s level. The leader of the group is Moondoggie, a greasy-haired surfer who pals around with a unseemly bunch of beach bums and chicks in an attempt to take over the bucolic seaside town that the Big Kahuna (West) and his cronies live in. Needless to say, he doesn’t pull it off and that’s one reason why he’s the second on our list of least scary vampires of all time.
I’m sure this will piss off the legions of Twilight fans out there to no end, but let’s be frank: Edward Cullen is a vegetarian. It’s no wonder the werewolves don’t respect the vampires in these movies, they’re a bunch of unmitigated wussies. From sparkling like a 6th grade Lisa Frank trapper keeper in the sunlight to fawning over a human girl, Edward is an embarrassment to the whole concept of vampirism. I can’t wait for this series to be forgotten forever.