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Dumage / weird

Disney Movie: The Real Version

Popping an animated Disney movie into the DVD player (or VCR during my childhood), seemed like a rite of passage for kids. My childhood memories are filled with the nostalgia of getting whisked away to adventures in faraway lands, watching the good hearted characters defeat the evil witch or wizard, and listening to musical themes that stayed stuck in your head for months — I wouldn’t trade these memories for anything, except for maybe tickets to one of Radiohead’s next concerts. (Who needs memories when you have tickets to Radiohead?) But in the spirit of keeping things real, how about taking a look at the stories in the real world, instead of the fabricated fairytale land of Disney? Here are some scenarios of how your favorite Disney movies would actually unfold in the real world.

The Lion King

The Lion King chronicles the journey of Simba, from young feline scam, through outcast heir to the throne, to valiant hero of the pride. In the movie, Mufasa is a kind and loving father who tries to protect Simba from hyenas (awww, his daddy loves him). As heartwarming as that is, do you know what real lions do to their male cubs as soon as puberty hits their beloved children? Here’s what real lions are like:

Males brutally chase their cubs off into the wild, never to be with the pride again. If Mufasa hadn’t been murdered by Scar, Simba would be  looking at high probability of being victim of some serious child abuse. Not only that, but a male lion almost never hunts. He makes the lionesses of the pride hunt for him. All in all, a male lion is like deadbeat dad, unemployed, abusive towards his children, sleeps around the neighborhood — the only thing missing is a bruised wife and sweat stains in the armpits. Also, 24 pack of empty cans of Bud Light on the coffee table would fit the profile. And what about the lovable pair of Timon and Pumbaa? Breakfast, lunch, or possibly dinner, depending on when Simba got hungry. There’s a reason why you never see lions living off of bugs in the wild. It’s called hunting instinct and a biological design for eating larger game. The real lesson of the savannah is that animals are jerks, almost as much as humans (but at least they’re honest about it).

Disney Movie: The Real Version
Two dead-beatus daddus species in their natural habitat

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Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

This enchanting tale starts out with the wicked Queen forcing her stepdaughter, Snow White, to work around the house as a scullery maid, which honestly isn’t that evil. Teaching responsibility and hard work to children just turns them into respectable and caring adults. If some of the spoiled adults who run around this world these days had been forced to learn humility and responsibility, then maybe there wouldn’t be a pointless death by trampling at Wal-Mart every Black Friday. But then, of course the wicked Queen decides that Snow White needs to die and contracts a hit out on Snow White, sending the huntsman to take the unsuspecting princess into the woods, kill her and then carve out her heart so the Queen can have it in a jewelry case. What? The Queen really thought that asking an average huntsman to murder and mutilate a pretty innocent girl in the middle of the woods was going to go off without a hitch? And what exactly did she need Snow White’s heart for? It’s obvious that the plan was poorly conceived since she was fooled by a pig’s heart.

Now, ignoring the whole seven dwarfs part, since one woman being able to live with seven grown men is close to a myth, the Queen finds out that her plan failed and Snow White continues to live. Big surprise, I know. So she decided to coat an apple with a poison that does not kill her, but puts her in a magical sleep that can only be cured by the kiss of true love. The Queen must have the need to prove that she’s the worst murderer in the kingdom, because had she just sprinkled some rat poison on that apple, she could have went back to the kingdom where she’d live happily ever after, torturing cats or doing whatever it is severely demented sadists do. Instead, she decides to get crushed by a big rock and die. That’s one way to go about it.

And of course, some dashing prince stumbles upon her and breaks the curse with the kiss of true love after seeing her for a few seconds. What kind of weirdo walks around making out with women sleeping in coffins? There’s a word for guys who attempt to take advantage of passed out women and it isn’t “prince”. In our real-life version of Snow White, our heroine would actually be a college-aged girl dressed in a Snow White costume for a co-ed Halloween party. She would have had a great time at the party, and then wake up next to some dude cramming his tongue down her throat; the authorities would immediately slap him with a sexual assault lawsuit. Of course, since his daddy has money and influence, the prince gets a crew of the finest lawyers who make a deal where he serves no jail time and ends up on the street where he can continue assaulting helpless victims.

Disney Movie: The Real Version
Ladies, don’t try this in real life

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101 Dalmatians

Who didn’t want a Dalmatian after seeing 101 Dalmatians? I remember begging mom and dad for a Dalmatian, but we already had a golden retriever, so that was a no go. Although it’s highly unlikely that Pongo and Perdita would have been smart enough for a real life rescue attempt of their puppies, the real fact is, they never would have had to. The real version of 101 Dalmatians goes a little bit more like this:

As soon as the words “coat made of puppies” slipped out of Cruella de Vil’s mouth, an alarm would have gone off at PETA central, located in the command center at Sir Paul McCartney’s house. Led by Pam Anderson, a squadron of PETA protesters would rush to Cruella de Vil’s house, knock down the gate, and drag Cruella to be made an example of. You don’t even want to know what those PETA folks would do to her, but it would most likely be something far worse than what she had planned for those puppies…

Disney Movie: The Real Version
Cruela De Vil just found her dream match (for us slower: check the board :))

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Cinderella

Hey girls, want to parade yourself in front of some famous dude that you never met in the hopes that he will select you from a group of dozens of women to be his wife? Being offended by that proposition was the right response, but since crazy women still have the instinct to throw themselves at strange men who have even the slightest ounce of fame (even if it’s being famous for being a total schmuck on a reality show), Cinderella is completely realistic.

All they need is a moderately famous man to be their prince and a bunch of unstable women (conditioned with enough alcohol to drop a horse, of course) to parade themselves in front of him in skimpy outfits. Instead of dancing, they can just go straight to making out with the “prince” and engaging in cat fights to see who gets to be with him. Oh, wait a minute. VH1 already did that. It was called Flavor of Love season 1, 2, and 3, Real Chance of Love season 1 and 2, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels (on a tour bus, no less!), and Frank the Entertainer in a Basement Affair. Although fairy godmothers don’t exist, Viacom has enough money to make a pumpkin carriage as long as they’re guaranteed a pretty penny in the process.

So girls, if you’ve ever dreamed of being Cinderella, just audition for the next round of love competition reality shows. Just remember, it isn’t real love until your dream man objectifies you by making you jump in a pool to save a test dummy from drowning (don’t worry, he’ll give you toy clock necklace if you do it real good).

Disney Movie: The Real Version
The original reality date show

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Jungle Book

The Jungle Book is a fun romp through the jungle with Mowgli, a child who gets raised by creatures of the wild. Wolves do the majority of his rearing, but in the process he also makes various animal friends, like Baloo and Bagheera. The story concludes with Mowgli defeating an evil tiger, and then being smitten by a young village girl which prompts the decision to head back to human society, leaving his wild upbringing behind him. Happy times and a blossoming romance story will, no doubt, follow.

The idea of feral children comes from reality. Although rare, their stories are almost never happy when they are readmitted to human society. They usually suffer from severe social problems, are unable to learn human language and a few even escape back into the wild. Many even attack other people during their first contact with humans after years of being raised in the wild. The final scene of the Jungle Book would go a little bit more like this:

Mowgli sees the pretty girl and begins barking like a maniac, savagely attacking the girl, which sends the little girl into a hysterical fit of screaming as she sprints back to the village. After that, the villagers capture him, where, despite efforts to acclimate him into their society, Mowgli continues to walk on all fours, relieve himself in inappropriate places, mark his territory by urinating on it, and scrap with the village dogs to assert his dominance. Now, in a modern society like ours, we’d just cage him up in a mental institute, where he could live out the rest of his days locked up in a padded cell thrashing about like a wild animal. But, since this happens in the jungle, the villagers would, most likely, just toss him back into the wild, where he might actually live a moderately happy life as a wild animal (until a tiger turns him into lunch).

Disney Movie: The Real Version
Who taught Baloo how to back float anyways?

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Reality Vs Disney

The moral of the story is, Disney fantasy is way better than reality. Given the choice of a world where a street rat can be handsome, have a monkey for a pet, find a magic lamp and go on an adventure where he gains the love of a hottie princess who helps him defeat an evil magician, or the real world, where homeless people wear tinfoil hats and smell like the sewers, I’ll take Agrabah any day. Or those tickets to a Radiohead concert…

Ryan Heuer writes for Dumage and he is truly sorry for ruining your childhood.


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